This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear a Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat. There is a moral to this story...
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly... and I will grab the fish!!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish leaps for it... That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I can tell you, there's more to the story...
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich!"
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time) "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich Then I can have mouse for lunch!!"
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly
The bear grabs the fish
The hunter shoots the bear
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich
The cat jumps for the mouse
The mouse ducks
The cat falls into the water and drowns
NOW... The Moral of the Story.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is gonna be in serious danger...
--
In school the lesson was about the word "contagious". The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.
One girl raised her hand and said, "I had the chicken pox and I couldn't go outside and play because it was contagious." The teacher replied, "That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in a sentence?"
One of the boys said, "I couldn't go over my friend's house because he had a cold and my mother said it was contagious." The teacher replied, "That's good. Anyone else?"
Little Johnny said, "Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father took the snow blower and blew all the snow into my neighbour's driveway." The teacher was upset and said, "That was a horrible thing to do, and besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson."
Johnny spoke up, "Yes it does. My father came in the house laughing, saying 'It will take that contagious to shovel herself out.'"
--
"What was all the crashing and banging?" asked the passenger. "The train ran over a cow," said the ticket collector. "Was it on the line?" he replied. "No, we had to chase it up the embankment but we got it eventually."
--
A man takes a day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He's on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron".
The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 Iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He's shocked!
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 Wood," was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 Wood and boom! A hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life, and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, Black 6."
Now, it's a million-to-one shot that this will win, but after the golf game, the man figures, "What the heck?" Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog down and says, "Gee, Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me."
He figures, "Why not?" After all it did for him, the frog deserves it. In a flash, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.
"And that, Your Honor, is how that girl ended up in my room."
--
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read. It has no plot and far too many characters!"
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks: "Ahh… so you're the one who took our phone book."
--
Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old, and wheelchair bound. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had.
One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds.
She confronted him and said "Where were you these past couple of nights?"
He replied "If you must know, I was with another woman".
"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?"
"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.
"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "Nope; she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.
"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.
Bill smiled slyly and said "Parkinson's disease!"
--
It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they'd gotten.
The first kid says "What'd you get?" The second kid replies, "Man, I made out! I got Power Rangers stuff, Nintendo, a new bike, a Walkie-Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?" "Ah, I just got a baseball glove and bat," says the first kid. "Wow, that's pretty rough," says the second kid. The first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not dying of cancer."
--
USEFULL PHRASES FOR THE OFFICE
- I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter
- Your idea seems reasonable... time to up my medication.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.
- Thankyou - we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- I'm really easy to get along well with once you people learn to worship me.
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